What is Power Play, Really?
Power play sounds much more intimidating than it actually has to be. People hear the words and immediately picture whips, kneeling, leather, contracts, somebody being called “Master.” And sure. It can be all of those things.
But power play can also be telling someone to sit down and watching them actually do it. At its simplest, power play is what happens when we intentionally play with who gets to lead, who gets to follow, who gets to decide, and who gets to give some of that decision-making away. And most of us have already played with it, whether we've called it that or not.
Power Can Show Up in Unexpected Ways
Maybe you like when someone pulls you a little closer instead of asking. Maybe being told exactly what to do makes your brain pleasantly shut the hell up for a minute. Maybe you're the person who likes doing the telling. Maybe you like making someone wait. Maybe asking permission does something weirdly exciting to you. Or maybe the idea of giving someone else control makes every muscle in your body says "absolutely not."
What Happens in Your Body When Power Shifts?
That last one is interesting, too. As a somatic sex educator, this is the part of power play that fascinates me. I'm interested in what happens in the body when we encounter power. Not just what we think we're supposed to like.
Sometimes our bodies surprise us. You can think you're someone who loves being in control and discover how much relief there is in not having to make the next decision.
- You can think you're shy and suddenly hear yourself giving someone a direction with absolutely no hesitation.
- You can feel excited and nervous at the same time.
- You can want to follow and then immediately want to resist.
- You can discover that the thing turning you on isn't submission at all. It's having very close attention being given to you.
The Many Sides of Power
There are a hundred little things hiding inside power. For some people, surrender feels like relief. For others, being in charge creates confidence they don't normally get to access. There can be pleasure in service, anticipation, resistance, permission, praise, rules, being useful, being watched, making someone wait, or simply knowing that another person is paying enough attention to safely take the lead.
Consent, Boundaries, and Responsibility in Power Play
Of course, playing with power means we also have to talk about what happens when power isn't handled well. There are real risks here. Boundaries can be crossed. People can assume instead of ask. Something that sounded hot in your head can feel completely different once you're actually doing it. Old experiences can show up unexpectedly.
And the more control someone gives you, the more responsibility you have to pay attention to the person giving it. Consent doesn't disappear because someone agrees to submit. A dominant doesn't suddenly become a mind reader. And “I thought you wanted it” remains a terrible communication strategy.
What Can Power Play Teach You About Yourself?
This is also why power play can be such an interesting place to learn about yourself. What happens when you have to clearly ask for something you want? What happens when someone tells you no? Can you give direction without immediately apologizing for it? Can you receive direction without feeling like you've lost your voice? Do you actually enjoy surrendering, or do you have a habit of accommodating people? Do you like being in control, or do you like feeling trusted enough to be given control?
Those questions don't have right answers. They're just things we rarely get the opportunity to intentionally play with. That's what we'll be doing in the workshop, Power Play, at Sara’s Secret coming up! We'll talk about dominance, submission, consent, risk, and the many ways power can show up sexually.
We're also going to get out of our heads a little. Through simple somatic exercises and playful experiments, we'll explore what it feels like to lead, follow, ask, direct, resist, surrender, and choose. You don't need BDSM experience. You don't need to know what role you want to be in. You certainly don't need to show up ready to kneel for anybody.
Just bring some curiosity. You might be surprised by which side of the equation feels good.
Written by: Margaux Underwood