Dear Beth,
My boyfriend keeps hinting that he’d love for me to take charge and tie him up during sex. I really want to try, but honestly, I’m nervous. I’m not a dominant person at all, and I’m worried I’ll hurt him or do something wrong.
Is there a way to do this without hurting him?
What do I need to know?
How do I not feel silly trying to be super bossy?
Usually Meek Molly
Dear Usually Meek Molly,
The fact that you’re worried shows you already have the most important quality of a good dominant: genuine care for your partner. That concern is what turns this from a power trip into an act of emotional intimacy and trust.
A lot of people think “being dominant” means acting mean, bossy, or aggressive. It doesn’t.
Real dominance is simply about being the one to set the scene and guide the action. Think of it like being a director. You decide what’s going to happen, and your partner gets to enjoy following along because they trust that you’ll make it sexy, safe, and fun. You’ll be building respect and trust in a whole new, exciting way! If you strive for confidence and pleasure, you’ll be good to go!
You don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not. Dominance isn’t about putting on a fake “scary” persona. It’s about being yourself while taking the reins. If you’re naturally sweet or playful, let that shine through.
Your version of dominance might be teasing him with a grin, giving calm, confident instructions, or making him wait just a little longer than he expects. The energy comes from you steering the moment, not from being harsh or bossy.
Here’s one way it might look: Tell your boyfriend to fetch his favorite belt and hand it to you. Then instruct him to undress slowly while you watch. Once he’s bare, you could direct him to kneel in front of you, wrists together. Wrap the belt around his wrists so he feels restrained (practice first on your ankles if you want more confidence). From there, you can take him on whatever sexy ride you choose! That could be having him pleasure you, making him watch while you touch yourself, or teasing him until he begs for release.
Playing with power this way will elevate your sexy fun into something edgy and exciting rather than same old, same old. It will give you a chance to create the kind of sexy adventure you desire, while giving your partner the chance to safely surrender knowing you’ll take good care of both of you.
Lastly, when it comes to feeling silly… well, sometimes sexy stuff is silly! Rather than being embarrassed by it, lean into it. Laugh at yourself freely, but chastise him for doing so! Tell him that he is to show you the utmost respect and any laughter will delay his orgasm. I’m guessing he’ll get and stay quiet pronto!
Allowing yourself to enjoy whatever happens without stress will give you the chance to take chances and try new things which is key to a healthy and long lasting sexy connection. It will also strengthen your emotional connection long after the ropes come off.
Think of this as giving your partner the experience they crave while enjoying the power of being the one in control. Dominance is not about being a jerk but about shaping the scene so both of you end up turned on, playful, and more connected than before.
Respectfully yours,
Beth
Bonus Tip: Practice by giving short, simple directions in everyday life. For example telling him exactly how to make your coffee or where to put his hands during a kiss. That way, giving sexy instructions in the bedroom will feel much of a stretch!