Hi Beth,
I’ve heard people talking about tantric sex, but even after 19 years of marriage, I’m still not sure what it is or why it’s popular. Is it something you do by yourself or with a partner?
Thanks for clearing the mystery for me.
Amy
Great question, Amy!
First and foremost, please don’t ever feel shy about asking anything related to love and intimacy; it's a long journey and we're all learning as we go! I think it’s safe to assume that if you don’t know something, there are a lot of other people who don’t know also. Which is why I’m so glad you reached out with this question.
Ok, so let’s start with the fact that tantric sex originates from ancient Indian traditions called “Tantra”. The term loosely translates to “woven together” and refers to a spiritual belief system and practices that focus on creating harmony between the mind, body, and spirit.
Tantra practices were then adapted for use during sexual experiences in order to create a more spiritual experience rather than simply a pursuit of bodily pleasure and orgasm. At its core, tantric sex is about creating a deeper, more profound and holistic connection between one’s bodily pleasure, emotional feelings, intellectual thoughts and sense of spiritual righteousness. This is accomplished by moving sexual energy through oneself and/or one’s partner to facilitate healing, transformation, and spiritual growth.
Tantric sex practices generally include intentional breathwork, prolonged eye contact and slow, deliberate sensual touching. If penetration is involved, it is calm, measured and intentional.
Solo tantric practices (sexual or otherwise) are intended to help you connect with your body, desires, and energy in order to achieve complete harmony. It's like tuning your own instrument before joining a duet. Or symphony.
With a partner, tantric sex is thought to use the willing exchange of energy to create an intensely sensual, erotic and spiritual connection. The emphasis is on the shared journey and connection rather than the destination (orgasm).
After 19 years of marriage, exploring tantric sex might be a fun way to spice things up while deepening your relationship. So, if you’re interested in experiencing a little Tantra, here’s how you can easily get started:
- Prepare to be comfortable. Create an inviting space free of phones and other distractions in which you’ll be comfortable for about an hour by dimming the lights, lighting candles or incense, and playing relaxing music. You and your partner should do whatever helps you feel relaxed and sensual, whether it’s showering, wearing comfortable lingerie or getting completely naked.
- To begin, sit up straight facing your partner about an arms length away from each other. Look into each other’s eyes without touching. Try to express your love and affection for each other through your eyes only. This process, often called eye gazing or soul gazing, is likely to make you uncomfortable initially but resist the urge to look away. (You are absolutely free to blink!) After a few minutes of prolonged eye contact, you should feel yourself relax and slip into a feeling of connection and closeness. When both of you are feeling this sense of peace, extend your hands to each other and hold hands while continuing the eye gazing. This will deepen your mind-body connection and may even synchronize your breathing.
- After about 8-10 minutes of eye gazing and hand to hand connection, shift to create a “hands-on heart” circuit. To do so, each partner should place one hand on their partner’s heart and their other hand over their own heart. Spend about 5-10 minutes imagining your love and affection for your partner flowing like lava from your heart through your body and directly into your partner’s heart.
- Then lower your hands while still touching your partner in whatever way is comfortable so you can begin kissing each other. Start by kissing mouth to mouth, but feel free to kiss other parts of their body as you desire. Make sure your kisses are slow, intentional and expressive. Again, imagine your love flowing to your partner through your kisses.
- Without rushing, after five or more minutes, let your kisses motivate your body movements to allow mutual exploration while being physically comfortable. At some point you may allow one of you to kiss while the other focuses on receiving. You may also start using your hands to explore and touch each other.
- Don’t stop when you are both deeply aroused, instead slow down even more. Extend the pleasure by edging (bring each other to the brink of climax in cycles, holding off orgasm for increased pleasure. Edging with a partner allows them to control your release and build up even more arousal resulting in heightened pleasure upon climax.
- Remember, tantric sex doesn’t have to culminate in penetration or orgasm.But if you desire either or both, I suggest that you wait until you are both ready to explode in ecstasy, and then try to find ways to induce the other’s orgasm that are different from your “normal” sex.
As with life, there's no 'one-size-fits-all' when it comes to tantric sex. You get to decide how to explore and find what feels right for you and your partner. At its best, tantric sex can make each encounter feel like a sacred ritual of loving pleasure, at the very least, it’s an interesting new approach to erotic pleasure.
I hope this inspires you- you’ve got nothing to lose and a lifetime of new pleasure to gain!
Can’t wait to hear your thoughts,
Big hugs and love,
Beth