Dear Beth,
I’m a guy in my late 30s, happily married with a decent sex life, but I still masturbate regularly.
I’ve always enjoyed it, and it helps me relax or de-stress. But lately, I’ve started wondering, am I doing
something wrong? Is it weird or bad to masturbate when I have a partner? Should I stop?
Sam
Dear Sam,
If self-pleasure is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Lol.
The short answer is: no, you’re not doing anything wrong. Masturbation, or as I prefer to call it,
self-pleasure (because it sounds far more erotic) is a completely natural and healthy part of
sexual expression, even in a loving, sexually active relationship.
Solo pleasure serves many purposes, both emotionally and physically. It can relieve stress, help
you sleep, connect you with your body, and even spark fantasies or sensations to explore with
your partner. It’s not a threat to your sexual relationship. In fact, it can beautifully complement it.
Think of it like food: just because you enjoy meals with your partner doesn’t mean you’ll never
want a snack on your own. We don’t expect our partner to be hungry every time we are, so solo
snacking is totally normal as long as it doesn’t decrease your appetite for shared meals. Same
goes for sexy fun! Self-pleasure is simply another kind of nourishment.
It’s also worth encouraging your partner to explore her own solo pleasure. It’s empowering,
builds confidence, and often inspires deeper curiosity and connection between you. When both
partners feel comfortable with their sexuality, independently and together, it usually leads to
more satisfying intimacy.
That said, it’s good that you’re checking in with yourself. Self-pleasure only becomes a concern
if it starts replacing intimacy with your partner, interfering with your arousal for her, or becoming
a way to avoid emotional or relational issues. If that happens, pause and ask yourself what’s
going on?
Are you bored? Lonely? Disconnected? Resentful? Stuck in a rut?
In those cases, self-pleasure may be a symptom, not the root.
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you're simply enjoying a natural part of being a
sexual human and that’s a very good thing! So keep the self-love going, and maybe invite your
partner to do the same. Exploring your sexual selves both individually and together is a
delicious way to keep the spark alive.
With love and great pleasure,
Beth