Dear Beth,
I’ve always fantasized about being spanked during intimacy, but I’m too embarrassed to ask my boyfriend. He’s a great guy and we get along so well that I don’t want to mess it up. He’s such a “gentleman” that I’m worried he’ll think I’m weird or perverted for asking him to hit me. How can I bring this up without freaking him out and making him think I’m a weirdo?
Nicole L. <
Dear Nicole,
It’s not always easy to admit what we want sexually, especially when there’s a hint of being a little naughty. Frankly though, spanking has been enjoyed as an erotic activity for centuries so it’s odd that it isn’t commonly recognized as “normal.” In fact, spanking as part of sexy fun dates back to ancient times. Artwork and texts from civilizations like Ancient Rome and Greece depict erotic spanking. It’s been a recurring theme in human sexuality, including the famously “prude” Victorian era!
I want to reassure you that your desire is perfectly normal. I also get your feelings of embarrassment. We often hesitate to share our fantasies because we fear judgment or rejection. Being open about your desires would actually be a huge step toward greater connection and trust.
Many people, especially those who consider themselves proper ladies or gentlemen, struggle with the idea of spanking because it is associated with violence, shame, harm or punishment. When it comes to erotic play, spanking is about creating pleasurable, sometimes intense, sensations that increase sexual arousal. It also adds a “naughtiness” that can strengthen your emotional connection, trust and excitement.
It might seem strange, but being spanked can release endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals that amp up pleasure. Spanking also increases blood flow to the pelvic region as a whole, which can significantly enhance arousal in both men and women. This physical and chemical response explains why spanking has been a common erotic act since the beginning of time. If it feels good and is based on consent, it’s a win for all involved!
Assuming you decide to talk to your boyfriend about this, I suggest you start by framing your fantasy in a way that aligns with his sense of what’s expected of a “gentleman”. For example, you might say: "I love how kind and attentive you are; it makes me feel safe and adored. So much so that there’s something I’ve been thinking about, and, because I trust you completely, I want to tell you about it. I’ve always found the idea of erotic spankings really exciting, and I think it would be really hot if you spanked me as part of our sexy fun. It’s not because I want you to hurt me, but because it turns me on. And from what I’ve heard, the physical sensations can be quite pleasurable. Is this something you’d be willing to consider? Or learn more about?"
This approach makes it clear that your request isn’t about changing who he is or making him uncomfortable—it’s about exploring together. Be prepared to explain what about the idea excites you, whether it’s the physical sensations, the playful dynamic, or simply the trust involved in trying something new.
It’s also important to give him time to process and deal with his feelings. You might catch him completely by surprise, but don’t want him to shoot down the idea just because he’s uncomfortable. If he’s open to trying it but hesitant, you can start small with light, playful taps and build from there, as you discover what works for each of you.
Of course, if ultimately he decides that spanking isn’t something he’s into, that’s gotta be okay too. But if your relationship is as great as you say it is, I wouldn’t dump the guy without giving him a couple of months to quietly think about the idea on his own. All too often men shut down rather than admit they don’t know how to do something. If you bring it up again after a while, you might be pleasantly surprised to find that he’s done some research and is more open to trying it.
Good luck to you and cheers for being brave enough to ask for what you want!
Happy Hugs,
Beth