Nervous To Tell

Posted by Beth Darling on Oct 17th 2024

Nervous To Tell

Dear Beth,

I’m single and was just diagnosed with herpes last year after going out with a woman for a couple of months who didn’t tell me she had it. She swears she didn’t know she had it, but I’m pissed! 

Now, I don’t want to do that to someone else. I haven’t really dated since because I’m not sure how or when to bring it up with someone new. I want to be a good guy, but I’m also scared of how they’ll react. 

Please help!

Sincerely,

Nervous Nick


Hi Nick,

I get why you’re feeling upset and nervous about dating after your diagnosis—dating is hard enough without adding extra stuff to worry about. But your thoughtfulness in wanting to protect others and be honest shows what a genuinely good guy you are. So now, let me help you figure out how to navigate these conversations and help ease your fears.

Let’s start with this: herpes is incredibly common. According to the NIH, approximately 90% of people worldwide have either HSV-1 or HSV-2! (HSV=Herpes Simplex Virus) In the US, researchers believe about 70% of people 14-49 years old have one or the other HSV. (Note: If you have one, it’s very rare to get the other.

Historically, HSV-1 outbreaks have traditionally shown up near the mouth and been referred to as “cold sores” or “fever blisters”, while HSV-2 has typically been found on the genitals. But recent research shows that the majority of cases of genital herpes outbreaks now involve HSV-1. In other words, having “cold sores” or “fever blisters” is no different than having “herpes”.

I think it’s also important for you to know that outbreaks tend to be more severe during the first year, but become less severe and less frequent over time. (They can be triggered by fatigue, genital irritation, menstruation, physical or emotional stress, or injury.) But, antiviral medications, such as acyclovir, valacyclovir, and famciclovir, can reduce the number and length of outbreaks.

So while the stigma can feel heavy, in reality, herpes is typically just a minor skin condition and probably as common as acne. Except, unlike acne, a person can be infected with the herpes virus and never have any symptoms. Which means they may have no idea they carry it. So when your ex said she didn’t know, she may have been telling the truth. In fact, you might be surprised to know that HSV isn’t generally done as part of a regular screening for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) because a positive result only means you have been exposed to the virus. The test can't tell if you will get sores or where on the body they might show up. Now do you see why so many people have it?

Ok, so now that you hopefully feel a bit less traumatized, let’s talk about how to broach the subject with a new potential sexual partner. I always suggest honesty and openness, but when to have that conversation is up to you. You probably don’t need to bring it up on the first date unless the conversation naturally goes there. My suggestion is that you wait until things get more heated. Ideally, I’d find a time after kissing, but before any genital touching.

I encourage you to have this conversation in person, even though it can feel awkward. After all, this is personal and you should be able to help each other through it with reassuring, non-sexual touches.

When it comes time to have the discussion, remember that it’s more likely than not that your new partner already has HSV, and if not, almost certainly knows people who do. It might be reassuring to remind yourself that people have these conversations all the time, and the reactions are often much more understanding than we expect.

If they don’t have it, or aren’t familiar with it, let them know that herpes is simply a very manageable skin condition. It doesn’t impact your overall health, and outbreaks tend to get less

frequent over time. Let the person know you’re aware of your condition and you’re taking steps to manage it.

Emphasize the facts. Using antiviral medication (like Valtrex) can significantly reduce outbreaks and thus reduce the risk of transmission by almost half. If you avoid sexual contact during outbreaks and simply use a condom other times, you’ll reduce the chance of transmitting the virus to a female partner to almost 4%. If you take antivirals and use condoms, the risk of passing herpes on is pretty low—some say less than 1% per year when there’s no outbreak.

All this to say, I think that being honest about this issue should be no more fuss than warning someone if you think you might be getting a cold. The more you do to protect the people around you, the more trust, empathy and transparency you’re likely to get in return. All of which helps set a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

And if someone doesn’t react well? I get it—that would suck. But know this: anyone who’s worth your attention will listen and be kind. If they’re scared or have questions, take the chance to educate them. If they walk away, it just means they weren’t right for you anyway.

You’ve got this, you’ll have a happy sexy life, and I’m here cheering you on!

With big hugs,

Beth