Lacking Libido?

Posted by Beth Darling on Aug 14th 2023

Lacking Libido?

Dear Beth, 

I love my husband.  He’s a great guy and father.  I had a baby a year ago and I still don't want sex. Is something wrong with me? I know my husband is frustrated with me even though he tries to be understanding. I can’t help worrying that at some point, he’s going to give up on me and find someone else.  This which would kill me. 

Please help! 

Mandy P.


Dear Mandy,

I know it's easy to feel like you're the only one struggling with this, but I promise you're not. Most new moms experience a low sex drive after having a baby. Your body has undergone significant changes, and your entire life is different now, emotionally and physically. Many women report lower levels of sexual satisfaction even a year-and-a-half after giving birth.

The good news is that most women can restore their libido with time and patience. Here are a few ideas to help you get started on your way back to a mutually pleasurable sex life:

*Touch your husband frequently and encourage him to spend more time holding the baby. Physical affection, such as hugs, kisses, and snuggling, fosters better overall health, lowers stress levels, and strengthens emotional connections. Your husband probably misses being touched almost as much as he misses sex.

*Start pleasuring yourself regularly. After giving birth, it's normal to feel out of touch with your body. Masturbation is a great way to get comfortable with your new body and release "happy hormones" that can elevate your mood and increase your libido.

*Reassure your partner. Let him know that sexual intimacy is essential to you and that you are taking steps to improve things. Remind him that your desire for sex hasn't changed because of him; it's about allowing your body and mind to adjust to the changes you've been through.

*Indulge in frequent romantic intimacy in whatever ways appeal to you. Snuggle together, watch a movie, wear new lingerie, or hold hands while walking. Romantic intimacy can reignite your sexual pilot light. (Caution: If you enjoy lingerie, treat yourself to new things. Don’t even try to wear lingerie that you owned prior to giving birth because it won’t look or feel the same as it used to and that can be frustrating.)

*Go easy on yourself. Finding your sexual groove after having a baby takes time and patience. Avoid blame, shame, guilt, and obligation, as they can harm even a healthy libido. Give yourself grace and remember that you can find your way back to enjoying pleasure.

*Don't have sex until you genuinely want it. Engaging in sex only because your husband wants it may create a negative association and be detrimental long term. Instead, until you are eager to enjoy penetrative sex, find alternative ways for him to enjoy sexual release. For example, watching him self-pleasure, or telling him one of your sexy fantasies while he masturbates can be an erotic pleasure for both of you.

By following these steps, I think you’ll find that your libido returns, and your marriage becomes stronger than ever.

Wishing you an abundance of loving pleasure!