Dear Beth,
My husband keeps asking me to share my fantasies...but honestly, I don't think I have any. He talks about his all the time. Basically, they are things he has seen in porn.
I don't watch porn and I don't really think about sexy things unless I am with him.
I feel like I'm failing some test! Help, please!
Stymied Susan
Dear Susan,
First of all, let's start with this: you are not failing anything!
There’s a widespread myth that everyone carries around a mental library of steamy fantasies ready to share on command. In reality? Many people, especially women with responsive desire, don’t experience that kind of spontaneous sexual imagination.
Responsive desire means desire wakes up in response to connection, touch, or context, rather than showing up on its own. That’s not a flaw. It’s a normal variation in sexual wiring.
Why Your Husband Has Fantasies and You Don't (Yet)
Your husband’s fantasies being shaped by porn makes perfect sense. Porn is:
- Visual
- Performance-focused
- Designed for fast arousal
So it is easy for those scenes to stick in his mental “fantasy file.” Here’s the important part:
Fantasies don’t have to look like porn to be real.
For many women, fantasy is:
- Emotional
- Relational
- Atmospheric
- Sensory
- (not necessarily graphic)
What Counts as a Fantasy is Not What You Think
A fantasy can be:
- Being kissed unexpectedly.
- Being pulled into a hallway for a makeout session.
- Being surprised in the shower.
- Being touched slowly, intentionally.
- Your partner doing housework with enthusiasm (or even less clothing!)
Fantasies do not have to be:
- Kinky
- Dramatic
- Explicit
- Complicated
If a moment, visual, scenario, or idea makes your insides melt even slightly, that counts!
How to Discover the Kinds of Fantasies That Work For You
Just because you don’t have a mental catalog now doesn’t mean you can’t develop one.
Here are gentle, non-intimidating ways to explore what sparks your imagination:
1. Romance Novels or Sensual Fiction
Notice what scenes or dynamics appeal to you emotionally or imaginatively.
2. Audio Erotica or Storytelling Apps
Audio can be easier to connect with because it builds mood without visuals.
3. Emotional or Romantic Movies
Often it’s a glance, a line of dialogue, or a moment of tension that hits the spark.
4. Music
Sometimes a lyric or tone can create a fantasy “feeling” rather than a scene.
Your fantasy seeds will come from the emotional and atmospheric cues that light something up inside you, not from the porn-based scripts your husband uses.
Fantasies Don’t Have to Start In Your Head
Fantasies can start with action!
If imagining from scratch feels challenging, partner activities can help.
Try:
- erotic conversation cards
- intimacy games
- guided question decks
- sensory exploration exercises
- this fun game
These create structure and spark curiosity without pressure. Fantasy can grow from experience, not just imagination.
You Are Not Behind…You Are Just Wired Differently
Instead of trying to “produce” fantasies on demand, choose this approach:
Pay attention to what draws your interest in everyday life.
A scene. A song. A moment. A vibe.
These subtle sparks can become the building blocks of fantasies that feel authentic to you and not a performance for someone else.
And remember that you don’t need fantasies to be a great lover. You need curiosity, communication, and presence.
With love, reassurance, and zero pressure,
Beth