Hey Beth,
I've been wondering... How much sex is normal in a relationship? My partner and I joke that we're either overachievers or seriously underperforming, depending on who you ask.
Best,
Curious George
Dear George,
Ah, the 'normal' sex question—it’s so normal to wonder! Sadly, I can’t give you a specific answer. This question is quite common, but the research isn’t truly conclusive because as you and your partner probably already noticed, many of us have faulty recall or a tendency to over/underestimate our sexual activity. But perhaps I can help y’all with some generalities.
Let’s start with 'normal' is just a word, not a universal standard. Every relationship is unique, and what’s 'normal' for one couple might feel totally off for another. But since I know you’re curious, here’s what most of the research supports:
- Couples in their 20s and 30s tend to engage in sexual activity about twice a week
- Married couples or those in long-term relationships average closer to once a week.
- Over time, frequency tends to decline to once or twice a month, especially with busy schedules, stress, health issues, having children or shifting priorities. For some couples, It then happens only once or twice a month.
- As many as 15% of marriages are considered “sexless” because they may go months or years without any sexual activity.
That said, frequency isn’t the ultimate measure of a healthy sex life by any stretch of the imagination. After all, there are sex addicts who are doing it all the time but feel little joy. So it’s important to pay attention to how each partner feels. If one person feels a lack of sexual intimacy, it’s just as significant as feeling a lack of emotional intimacy. Both are essential components of a thriving relationship.
Dismissing or minimizing one person’s unmet need—whether it’s for more sex, romance or more emotional connection—is likely to create tension or distance over time. Couples who fail to address these issues tend to exacerbate the situation by furthering the divide between them. Sadly, this drifting apart often fosters a setting in which infidelity becomes appealing because it offers an opportunity for one’s unmet needs for intimacy.
For couples who want to avoid sliding into this abyss, I suggest they keep sight of their romantic endeavors together. In hindsight, it’s easy to see that diminishing sexual intimacy is often preceded or accompanied by a lack of romantic intimacy. When even the little gestures of romance—like flirting, surprising each other, or making time for meaningful moments—start to fade, the sexy spark often dims as well. The good news is that rekindling that romantic excitement can naturally reignite the sexual one too.
To help you navigate this, you might enjoy the exercises in my book, The 5 Kinds of Intimacy: How to Keep Your Love Alive. It’s designed to help you explore and strengthen all the different forms of intimacy—physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and romantic.
Remember, sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Focusing on frequency is often what we do when we do when we feel like our connection doesn’t feel fulfilling. Unfortunately, if our sexy fun isn’t actually fun and satisfying, doing it more often won’t make it better.
So my suggestion is that you focus on increasing the overall quality of your relationship rather than just the number of sexual encounters. I think you’ll find that tending to all five kinds of intimacy will create a ripple effect that elevates your sexy fun to a new level. And when it’s more fun and exciting, you’ll both look for ways to enjoy it as often as possible.
Wishing you joyful adventures together,
Xoxox,
Beth