Handling Sexual Rejection

Posted by Beth Darling on Jul 22nd 2024

Handling Sexual Rejection

Beth,

My husband gets really upset and angry when I don’t want to have sex. I mean, he’s not abusive or anything, but it’s obviously a big deal to him. He says he doesn’t ask that often so I should say yes when he does.

Do you think I should?

P.N.


Hi P.N.,

I know it’s frustrating when you’re trying so hard to do your best juggling a busy life and someone you care about feels you aren’t doing it well enough. Sadly, this is a very common complaint among women. What’s equally common is the pain of rejection that your husband is likely feeling.

While I can’t wave a magic wand and increase your libido like he might want, what I can do is help you understand why he gets so angry when you don’t want sex. I hope you’ll both be able to handle things in a way that brings y’all together rather than driving you apart. I’m guessing that your husband feels like you’re rejecting him personally, as your husband and lover. While you think you’re just not feeling sexy at the time and it’s not a big deal, his feelings of rejection cause a mix of emotional and physiological responses.

Emotionally, sexual intimacy is often tied to feelings of validation and closeness, especially for men. Being frequently rejected can cause them to feel unloved, unappreciated and unimportant, even when that’s not the intention at all. These feelings can build up and trigger frustration, sadness, or anger. Once in this emotional state, he is likely to become even more sensitive and his responses will get stronger.

We can’t ignore the body’s response to rejection. On a physiological level, sexual arousal involves various hormones and neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin, which are linked to pleasure and bonding. When sexual advances are turned down, especially after arousal has begun, it can cause a physiological letdown. This sudden shift can sometimes show up as irritability or anger due to the abrupt change in hormone levels and the body’s unmet expectation of sexual release.

What may surprise you is that rejection can feel as intense as physical pain due to the way our brains process emotional experiences. Emotional pain and physical pain share similar neural pathways in the brain, meaning when we experience rejection, the same areas that process physical pain get activated. This overlap makes our brain interpret emotional pain similarly to physical pain. We aren’t exaggerating when we describe having “hurt” feelings.

It’s also important to realize that humans are “pre-programmed” to be sensitive to rejection. Evolutionarily speaking, humans are social creatures who rely on group membership for survival. Rejection has historically meant higher danger and less chance of survival, so our brains treat it as a serious threat. Then, our bodies respond by releasing stress hormones like cortisol, which heightens our sensitivity to pain and prolongs emotional distress. I hope that this information makes it easier for both of you to have more empathy and compassion for the other.

Towards that, I’ve got a couple of simple ways that you might be able to help decrease the likelihood he feels rejected:

1. Reassure him that your rejection is not a reflection of your love or attraction to him by reminding him of a recent sexy encounter that you really enjoyed. Tell him about what specifically turned you on and let him know that you’re looking forward to recreating that level of pleasure when you aren’t so tired. If at all possible, make plans for a specific time/day so both of you can plan ahead and build anticipation for a sexy date together.

2. Regularly initiate physical intimacy that is pleasurable for both of you such as, hugging, cuddling, kissing, massaging his neck or whatever you can do that involves skin to skin touch which will stimulate oxytocin (the bonding hormone) in both of you. Remember, the fact that y’all aren’t both into sexy fun at the same time isn’t a relationship killer, but ongoing feelings of guilt or rejection definitely can be. So, I hope you find ways to say no in loving ways and to say yes enthusiastically at other times.

With hopeful hugs and love,

Beth