Dear Beth,
I love my partner, and we’ve recently opened up our relationship to explore some swinging events. I thought I was ready. I wanted to be cool with it. But then he had an amazing night with another woman and I found myself spiraling. It’s not that I don’t want him to enjoy himself. It’s just that I felt so jealous, I could hardly breathe.
Does this mean I’m not cut out for non-monogamy?
Am I doing something wrong?
Spiraling in San Antonio
Dear Spiraling,
First of all, let me wrap you in a big, understanding hug because I see you. You're not wrong or bad, and you're definitely not alone. Jealousy hits hard, even when our brain says, “I should be okay with this.” That emotional punch comes from deep places; insecurities, fears of loss, or just plain old human vulnerability.
You’re not doing anything wrong.
The truth is, ethical non-monogamy doesn’t cause jealousy. It reveals it. You’re shining a light on emotions that have likely been there all along. That’s not a failure. That’s an invitation to understand yourself better and to grow stronger with your partner.
When that wave of jealousy hits, here’s a simple three-step process to soothe yourself and reconnect:
- Breathe and Name It: Pause. Breathe deeply. Say to yourself, “This is jealousy. It’s okay to feel it." Just naming the feeling starts to settle your nervous system.
- Get Curious, Not Critical: Ask yourself,“What am I really afraid of?” Often jealousy isn’t about the sex but the feeling left out, unloved, or not good enough. Getting honest with yourself creates space for healing.
- Reach In, Then Reach Out: After you’ve soothed your initial reaction, share with your partner, not to accuse, but to connect. Try saying: “I got triggered, and I want to talk about it because I trust you and know that you care about making this work for both of us.”
I know it’s hard to admit when we are scared, but vulnerability builds trust when it’s shared with love and clarity. So don’t be afraid to ask for whatever reassurance and reconnection you need before moving forward. Remember, love and jealousy can co-exist. Engaging in ethical non-monogamy doesn’t automatically change how you feel. It’s how you handle the feelings that makes all the difference.
Sending you compassion and courage,
Beth