Dear Beth,
I’m finally pregnant with our first baby after almost a year of trying! Now my husband is kind of freaking out about sex. He says he’s scared it’s going to hurt the baby even though my doctor says it’s fine.
I’m worried he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I know you had five babies and said you had lots of sex during your pregnancies. Do you have any suggestions for us?
Pregnant Polly
Congratulations, Polly!
I’m so thrilled for you both! What an exciting time! And, I completely understand how big changes like this can bring up some new worries and adjustments, even when you’re both over the moon about the pregnancy. It’s great that you’re addressing the topic of sexual intimacy now because, trust me, it’s not likely to get any easier once the baby arrives, lol.
First off, let’s tackle your husband’s concerns. It’s very common for men to worry about hurting the baby during sex. Even though your doctor has reassured you that it’s safe, your husband might still be feeling anxious.
The truth is, in a healthy pregnancy, the baby is very well-protected because it’s surrounded by amniotic fluid and contained within your uterus which provides an incredibly supportive and strong environment. It’s also important to note that the cervix provides a firm boundary which limits the depth of penetration during intercourse. So there’s really very little risk of injury from sexy activity. But of course, you should continue to check in with your doctor to reassure both of you that all is well.
Now, about the fear that he might not find you attractive anymore! Pregnancy brings a lot of changes, not just physically but emotionally too. Your body is doing something incredible, and it’s natural for both of you to need some time to adjust. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s any less attracted to you. He might just be overwhelmed by the changes. There’s also the added worry about the responsibility of becoming a dad and how he needs to “grow up.” I mean, when most of us imagine becoming parents, we think about the serious stuff, not about having sexy fun.
So I suggest you start an honest conversation with your hubby about all the physical and emotional changes going on. I think it would be helpful to talk about how each of you “sees” the role of mom and dad evolving within the romantic relationship you’ve already established. Talk about what role models you each had while growing up, in real life and on tv or movies. If you’re like most of us, you’ll realize that you haven’t seen couples who keep their romantic spark alive while also being good parents. (Sofia Vergara's character on Modern Family is one of the only “sexy moms” I can think of, and yet despite her bold sexuality, it’s rare to see her openly flirting or teasing with her husband. It’s as if her body is adorned for purely aesthetic purposes as opposed to being designed for actual pleasure.)
I think it’s safe to say that most of us have a subconscious sense that romantic and sexual pleasures must be forsaken in favor of focusing on our children. Needless to say, this is in stark contrast to the desire for a unified, happy family helmed by strong, loving and sexually bonded adults. While this kind of discussion may feel awkward, I promise you that it can be very enlightening and helpful.
As for the physical side of things, your body is definitely going through a lot right now Iit might be more sensitive in some areas, so what felt good before is not guaranteed to feel good now. While this is completely understandable, your body can start to seem like a minefield to your partner. He might be so worried that he’s going to do something wrong that it’s safer not to do anything at all.
It may take a lot of patience for both of you to figure out how to create pleasure together with your body’s new landscaping. The best thing you can do is bring a healthy sense of humor and curiosity into your sexual life. Commit to seeking pleasure together in new ways by exploring without expectations. Take your time exploring each other with touch, kissing, and massage. It’s a great way to stay connected, and remember, intimacy doesn’t have to be all about intercourse. There are so many ways to share closeness and pleasure that don’t involve penetration.
Obviously, some positions might become uncomfortable as your pregnancy progresses. You might find that lying on your side, spooning, or being on top gives you more control and access for pleasure. And don’t forget about those pregnancy pillows—they’re not just for sleeping! They can be great for supporting your belly, back, or wherever you need a little extra comfort during sexy fun.
Oh! One thing that I didn’t realize is that your hormonal changes can sometimes lead to vaginal dryness, so using a good, high quality, pregnancy-safe lube handy will protect you from painful friction.
All that being said, if you experience any unusual pain, bleeding, or if your water has broken, avoid sexual activity until you consult your doctor. And at the end of your pregnancy, if you want to encourage your labor to begin, orgasm is a natural induction option.
I hope this inspires you and your husband to find fun, new ways to create physical, emotional and sexual intimacy together during your pregnancy journey. Wishing you pleasure and joy as you embark on this amazing new chapter!
Big hugs and love,
Beth