Crying Quietly

Posted by Beth Darling on Feb 5th 2024

Crying Quietly

Dear Beth,

Over the last few months, I’ve avoided sex with my husband because it’s been

painful. It’s never been like this before and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Crying Quietly

Oh, Crying Quietly,

First off, huge hugs for opening up about this. It's not easy to talk about pain during sex, but I really want you to know that you're definitely not alone. Sadly, up to 75% of women suffer from painful sex at some point in their lives. But just because it's common doesn't mean you should just put up with it. You deserve to fully enjoy sexy fun without hesitation.

This means that whether it's a little discomfort or something more intense, it's a big red flag saying, "You gotta do something about this asap." Your sexual health is just as important as any other part of your health. And it’s also key to your relationship.

Without a lot more information, I’m hard pressed to know what’s going on for you, but I do have some general advice for you since there are a few problems that are fairly common. At the top of the list is vaginal dryness. This can strike at any age for loads of different reasons, like lack of arousal, dehydration, hormonal changes, different times during one’s monthly cycle, or various medications. If this is the case, upping your daily water intake, avoiding penetration until you are highly aroused and using a good personal lubricant could be an easy fix. It’s certainly a good place to start.

Of course, keep in mind that all lubes are not created equal, so you should choose them as carefully as you do your skincare products. This may mean that you have to try a few different ones before you find one that works. (Any of the Sara’s Secret team can help you make a well informed choice.)

Unfortunately, dryness isn't the only problem with which women struggle. There are a ton of other possible problems, of which endometriosis, fibroids, infections, vaginismus or pelvic floor issues are just a few. These require their own kind of professional care and attention. It’s important to schedule a visit with your gynecologist soon to get help. Your doctor should be easy to talk to and serve as a detective for these kinds of things. They should be willing to work with you to figure out what's causing the pain and help you find the right treatment. If your doctor doesn’t seem attentive to your needs and concerns, find another one. Or reach out to a pelvic floor therapist in your area for a recommendation to a more knowledgeable physician. (Did you know there’s such a thing as pelvic floor therapy? Their services can be life changing.)

I know it’s hard to talk about this stuff, but you shouldn’t have to suffer needlessly. Nor should you be denied sexual pleasure. I think it’s like menopause, the more we talk the more we’ll learn from each other and the easier it will be. There's a whole community of women who've been where you are, and there's help out there though sometimes it takes a while to find it. Don’t give up! You deserve a sexy life that's truly joyful and fulfilling. I hope you’ll refuse to settle for anything less.

Feel totally free to drop me another message if you've got more questions or just need a bit of extra support. I’ll be here to cheer you on through this journey!