Better in Bed

Beth,

I’m recently divorced and starting to date again but am really nervous. I’ve only been with three women in my life even though I’m 43. My wife and I had a terrible sex life and now that she had an affair, she told me I was a terrible lover. How can I get better in bed when I don’t even know what I was doing wrong?

Hopeful Harry

Thanks for reaching out - I know how hard it is to start dating again. When I got divorced after 23 years of marriage, I told my therapist that I didn’t know how I’d ever even get naked with anyone ever again. His response? He said that when I was ready, my clothes would fall right off. I’m happy to tell you that he was 100% right. And I’m betting that it’ll be true for you too.

But, in the meanwhile, I want to help you prepare for that moment. (And all the following ones, of course.)

First of all, please know that your past doesn’t have to set the tone for your future. This is your chance to start over, learn more, do better and have a great sex life! For your sake above all else. It’s absolutely true that the more pleasure and confidence you experience, the more your partner will also enjoy.

To start with, I want you to think about your sex life as much more than just the physical moves. Sure there’s the touching and thrusting which are great, but there’s also what’s happening in the mind which is what makes it erotic. After all, it’s our brain that decides whether a touch is annoying, affectionate or sexual. I know I’m not the first woman to be frustrated when my partner is aggressively touching me while ignoring the fact that I’m not mentally “into it” yet. Please don’t make this mistake!

When you accept that the real sexy magic happens in our minds—you’ll approach your partner differently. You’ll be more focused on the erotic adventure rather than simply on getting to orgasm. And you’ll respond to them in ways that encourage more sexy pleasure, not as a means to an end.

If you want to learn how women think, or what messages we get bombarded with, do a quick scan of a few blogs or magazines like Cosmopolitan or Glamour. You’ll get a whole new perspective on sex!

Then, as you start dating again, embrace the excitement of getting to know someone new. Share your thoughts and desires openly, and ask about theirs. This isn’t just about being honest; it’s about creating a space where you both can explore and enjoy discovering what makes each other tick. Like warming up for your favorite sport, building anticipation and excitement is key. But it’s just as important to decide the rules of the game so no one is upset or caught off guard.

Every time you meet someone, and especially if you get naked with them, think of it as a learning experience. If things don’t always go as planned, that’s totally fine. It’s all part of the adventure. Using your imagination and being open to new experiences will make these connections making them richer and more vibrant which will help you become a great lover.

Sure this is going to be a bit nerve-wracking, but if you do it right, you might just have the best time of your life! I know I have.

Rooting for your sexy success,

Xoxox,
Beth

P.s. While you specifically asked about sex, I also suggest you read my book, The 5 Kinds of Intimacy to really enhance your chances of creating meaningful connections.