Dear Beth,
I adore my partner, and I’m only 33 years old, but penetrative sex has started to hurt. I know using lube would help, but every time I even think about bringing it up, I get scared he’ll take it as a sign that I’m not turned on or not attracted to him.
But he’s noticed that I’m not as into it as I used to be. How do I explain this without hurting his feelings? Or making him think that I’ll never be as excited about sex as he is?
Thanks for any advice.
Hurting Holly
Dear Hurting,
Let’s cut to the chase right away! Your body isn’t giving a review of your partner. It’s simply giving you information.
Lube isn’t a verdict on desire. It’s a means of enabling a smooth ride. Think of it like a bottle of joy juice that helps your body maximize your pleasure.
But I get that it’s a topic that can be challenging. So I think an easy way to approach this is to anchor the conversation in pleasure rather than insecurity.
You want sexual intimacy to feel good for both of you, and that makes this a “team us” moment instead of a “something’s wrong with me or you” moment. Try something like:
“Sexy fun with you is amazing and my body has been a little tender lately. Sometimes, even though I’m really turned on, my body has trouble keeping up and I can be a little dry inside. Since I have no intention of limiting our sexy time, I got some lube to make sure I can enjoy all of your comings and goings. (wink, wink)”
That framing keeps the focus on increasing pleasure rather than on any sexual inadequacy. Your partner gets the reassurance he needs, and you get to advocate for your own pleasure without gritting your teeth through it.
And here’s the secret I wish more people knew: great lovers aren’t the ones who never need lube. Great lovers are the ones who are able to adapt to circumstances and create mutual pleasure using whatever skills and products will best enhance the experience.
Your pleasure is worth protecting.
Always.
Cheers to many more smooth rides!
Xoxox,
Beth