Dear Beth,
My husband is a great guy and we are very happy together. He comes from a religious family and even after 16 years together, there are some big hangups about sex.
He knows I have a couple of vibrators that I use sometimes when he’s traveling and he isn’t thrilled about it. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and figure out why it bothers him since I clearly still love sex with him, but he just says “it isn’t natural."
Lately, I’ve been having more trouble orgasming with him (my doctor thinks it’s probably because I’m in peri-menopause) and I’d like him to use one of the vibrators on me. I’m afraid to ask because I know he’ll freak out and I’ll be embarrassed. Plus, I don’t want him to think he’s not good enough, which I know will be his first response. Please help me figure out how to convince him that it’s ok.
Bridget
Dear Bridget,
I think the fact that you have 16 years of happiness together is a good indication that you and your husband will find a way to make sure you get all the orgasms you want! Things might get awkward for a little while as you figure out how this happens. But after this much time, you probably already know very well that change can be hard, nerve wracking, scary, awkward, difficult and uncomfortable. It’s also unavoidable in life and relationships.
The key is to make sure you and your husband have tools to help you get through it together. Certainly it’s easy to understand why your husband has concerns about using sexy props. It’s not likely anyone ever had a real discussion about their benefits and it’s safe to assume that he was taught to avoid learning about anything sexy on his own because typically self study leads people to porn.
Given his background, I think your best bet would be to initiate the conversation by saying something like this:
“Honey, this is hard for me to talk about but I know I’m safe with you so I’m going to try. You may not have realized but I’m having a harder time orgasming lately and my doctor thinks it’s because I’m pre-menopausal so I need more stimulation even though I still am very much in love with you and still find you just as attractive as I did when we met. Anyway, I still want to enjoy lots of sexy fun with you, and I think I’d enjoy it more if we can try using a vibrator or other sexy prop together. I don’t need you to give me an answer now, I get it if this doesn’t feel comfortable to you, but I hope you’ll realize that I wouldn’t have brought it up if it wasn’t important to me.”
Then it might be helpful for you and your husband to get some shared “sex education”, starting with learning about the history of vibrators. I think that might help both of you get comfortable with the idea that using sexy props for your mutual pleasure can be healthy.
I also think that tackling the question of what’s “natural” would be helpful. What your husband may not know is that there are many examples of wild animals, especially primates, who use plants, wood or rocks as dildos. There are also animals who make masturbation aids by tearing a hole in a leaf or such, and others who simply use anything they can find such as twigs, stones, or fruit, to rub against their genitals.
I hope that allowing your husband time to think about things without pressure, and helping him challenge the issues holding him back will give him the confidence to try new things.
Can’t wait to hear back from you!
Hugs and Love,
Beth