Dear Beth,
I’m about to lose it! My wife is furious at me for wanting sex because she said I should have known that she was exhausted. Last week she chewed me up just for asking her if we could splurge and get tickets to the World Series. ( I mean, I’d have understood if I bought the tickets before checking with her, but I knew she’d kill me for that.) I swear I try hard but I don’t understand her at all and it’s driving me crazy. I love her but I don’t think I can live like this anymore. If you have any advice, I could really use it.
Derek T.
Dear Derek,
Ouch! Doesn’t sound like things are fun in your house- that sucks. On the upside, I’m hopeful you can improve things.
You’re not the only spouse to basically say “How am I supposed to know what they want? I’m not a mind reader!” on a regular basis. My response is always, you’re not supposed to be a mind reader, you’re just supposed to have enough emotional intimacy to make an educated guess.
Wondering what I mean?
Think about Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or any other winning basketball or soccer team. Athletic teams don’t realize they rely on emotional intimacy, but they do. They regularly pass the ball to each other with barely a glance. Their confidence comes from an almost innate sense of where their teammate will be when in almost any given circumstance. This is based on “knowing” each other which is just a casual way of describing emotional intimacy.
Athletes also regularly use emotional intimacy to anticipate their opponents actions. They study game films to learn what intimidation tactics are the most effective, how the other is likely to respond to different challenges, etc. There’s no way to do this other than to delve into a person’s psyche. (Come on… say it with me… emotional intimacy! Lol.)
In short, when it comes to almost any competition, natural talent is helpful, but being skilled at emotional intimacy is what makes a champion. This is true in sports, life and love.
How about pretending you’re playing in the series instead of just watching it. Study your wife to learn what her moods are, what “pitches” she swings at, what she needs to motivate her when things are tough. Also notice what she loves to do, how she responds to others, and signs that she’s tired.
Get to know who she REALLY is. Not just what she tells you, but what she doesn't. Maybe even what she doesn’t even understand about herself yet.
I’m pretty sure that if you do this, your sex life will be way more fun and you’ll be able to get seats to whatever games you want in the future.
That’s the power of emotional intimacy.
Heck, maybe emotional intimacy will make you a mind reader after all.
Send me updates!
Good Luck!
Xoxo,
Beth