Bossy in Bed

Posted by Beth Darling on Apr 8th 2023

Dear Beth,

Sometimes I like really slow, intimate sex. Sometimes I like just doing whatever my partner wants and letting him lead. Sometimes I like taking the lead. When I take the lead, I can get a bit bossy. My ex loved it! I can't really tell with my new boyfriend though.

When I do something like that, he'll say something like "You just gonna tell me what to do?" or "You just gonna push me down on the bed?" But he says it while following my commands.

I'll say something like "Yeah, yeah I am. Is that a problem?" He'll respond with "No" and we continue.

Do you think he’s saying that stuff because he actually doesn’t like it? Or is he like.. getting into it, and kinda playing a role or something? Please help because I don't know whether to be less bossy or if he is trying to get me to be bossier!

Thanks for any advice,


Laurie, I don't blame you for being confused!

Next time y’all have a few minutes to chat privately, start a conversation with something like this: “I was trying to decide whether I like being in charge during sexy stuff better than you being in charge. Then I realized that even though sometimes I’m in the mood for one or the other, I like them both equally. What about you? Do you like me telling you what to do?”

Once you get the convo started, you can ask him what some of his favorite sexy times with you have been, why he liked it so much, and then what he might like more or less of moving forward. Of course, you should also share your responses to the same questions.

If he’s really shy and still can’t give you a straight answer, then describe a few scenarios that you’d enjoy experiencing with him and simply ask if any of them turn him on. Then ask if it’s ok if you try them together sometime. In this way, you give him the chance to be more direct about what he really thinks without worrying that he’s destroying the sexy mood. Plus, when you share your desires openly with him, it can reassure him that it’s safe to open up together.

I hope you get all the answers and pleasure that you desire together.

Hopeful hugs,