Ask Beth: Why won't he go down?

Posted by Beth Darling on Mar 11th 2022

Dear Beth Darling,

My boyfriend of 6 months won’t go down on me even though I go down on him a lot. I’ve asked if there’s something I should do, like shower right before or shave, but he just says he doesn’t like doing it much and that he’s ok if I don’t give it to him either. But I enjoy going down on him and have always liked it a lot when guys returned the favor so I don’t want to never have that again. We have a good relationship besides this, so I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?

Emily B.

Dear Emily,

Argh- that’s a tough one, I know. You shouldn’t have to do without the kind of sexy fun love that you enjoy, but obviously he shouldn’t be pressured into doing something that he doesn’t like.

So, what it comes down to, is, why doesn’t he like going down?

There are a few common “reasons” that a man won’t go down on a woman:

  • He’s lazy/selfish and unwilling to prioritize or address her pleasure/desires
  • He’s got emotional hang-ups about oral such as thinking it makes him submissive, or it’s dirty, or that she “should” orgasm from penetration not oral, etc
  • He’s insecure and thinks he’s no good at it so he’d rather avoid it than fail.

Understanding HIS reasons can make a big difference in how you handle things, and it’s usually fairly easy to figure this out with a conversation that can start with: “I really like you and am excited about our relationship. It means a lot to me that I can trust you enough to talk about things, which is why I want to tell you that it makes me feel bad that you don’t enjoy going down on me. I wondered if we could talk about how that might change? Cuz I’d really like mutual oral sex to be a regular part of our sexy fun.”

If your guy isn’t willing to even talk about the possibilities, he may not be a great match because he’s probably not going to be open to addressing other issues either.

If he responds with more specifics about why he’s not into it, but expresses a willingness to learn or adapt, I suggest you then be patient, give him positive motivation/direction and see how things go. Being specific with a man about what you like and how you like it, along with appreciation when he gets it right can go a long way towards alleviating any taboos, insecurities or misperceptions he might have. After all, success is the best motivator and a partner who’s willing to go the extra mile to please you can be very satisfying.

On the other hand, if his inhibitions are so great that he can’t or won’t overcome them, it’s better to acknowledge this sooner than later. It’s foolish to think that a lack of basic sexual compatibility is any less significant than if he wants the cowboy life and you want to live in a big city.

I hope that either he is willing to learn to love you fully like you want to be loved, or that you cut loose quickly so that you can find a better match. I know it’s scary, but I also know there’s someone out there who wants to love like you do.

Let me know, I’ll be rooting for you!