Dear Beth Darling,
Wife and I have been in a LTR with a very vanilla sex life - typically missionary with minimal foreplay. Neither of us had much experience with other partners before getting into our relationship and this has worked for us for a while. But I've recently started to communicate more on my needs and wanting to spice things up. She's been open to it and we have tried a few things but she's still not showing an interest in oral (for either of us) or fingering, etc. Really anything below the neck... I'm thinking maybe we could both benefit from being better taught some of this through some sort of online course. She's not into porn but I think something more professional might help, but I don’t know where to look.
Darling Sally,
I get it. I’m not into watching porn either. But I think, perhaps there are some other options for you.
First of all, people enjoy porn or not for lots of different reasons and it’s helpful to understand so you can find a way to meet both your needs. Here are a few of the more common situations:
- Some people watch porn because it’s a quick way to get turned on before (or during) sexy fun with their partner. This can be especially important for those who have limited time or energy, like sleep deprived new parents.
- Others enjoy porn because it reflects fantasies that they have that aren’t part of their reality, such as group sex, bdsm, exhibitionism, etc.
- Many people watch porn to enhance their masturbation pleasure, whether or not they’re also enjoying partnered sexy fun at other times.
- People can enjoy porn because they can learn new positions or techniques, discover new role play ideas, or get stimulated by “new” people and different physical attributes than they experience in reality.
Of course, for a small minority of people, watching porn can become a habit or possibly even feel like an unwanted addiction.
As for those of us who don’t enjoy porn, there are at least as many reasons, but the most common ones are that our insecurities are triggered because we don’t think our bodies, or our desires/performance, “measure up”. There’s also the fact that traditional porn focuses on the purely physical aspects of sex rather than the context and relational connections which isn’t a turn on for those who typically rely on them for turn on. (Think of the difference between receiving a “dick pic” versus a “I love the taste of your kiss” text.) Personally, I often feel like I’m watching bad acting and the “fakeness” is a turn off rather than exciting to me.
Understanding and sharing your thoughts and feelings about porn with your spouse can help you find ways to create win/win options together. For example, maybe he’s totally ok simply using porn for his solo pleasure and you don’t have to feel guilty about not watching with him because your partnered play is fulfilling without it. Or perhaps your insecurities can be alleviated by recognizing that many porn stars are surgically altered (including labiaplasty!) and if you watch “amatuer porn” you’ll find that every body is actually uniquely and beautifully imperfect just like yours. Also, you might find pleasure in a new genre of porn (often created by women such as Erika Lust) that provides more setting, context and even character/relationship development in order to give the sexual scenes more “depth”. Another possibility is that you create sexy excitement and discover new ideas, by reading erotica to each other instead of watching porn. (I love a good Sexy Bed Time Story!)
These are just a few of the ways my clients have successfully dealt with differing tastes for porn. I hope you’ll spend some time talking honestly with your husband so that with mutual consideration, you’ll be able to find creative solutions that satisfy both of you.
Cheers to creative problem solving and great sexy fun forever,
Hugs!
Beth