Ask Beth: Take Routine Out of Sex

Posted by Beth Darling on Jul 13th 2022

Dear Beth,

I’ve been married for 16 years and love my husband, but am frustrated because even though we have all sorts of vibrators, our sex life is still not great. My friends think I’m crazy for complaining because my husband is a good guy and is always willing to take care of me, but I guess I want more than just an orgasm. I want to be excited about having sex like I used to be. Am I crazy? 


Molly Darling Molly, 

No! I don’t think you’re crazy at all. 

I think that you, and all of us, deserve to have “sexy fun”, not just “sex”. My guess is that you and your husband generally have sex in your bed, either in the morning or when you go to sleep at night.  If you’re like most couples who’ve been together for years, you probably have a handful of “sex routines” that you’ll both follow without even having to talk about it. 

For example, maybe he kisses your shoulder, then your mouth, then you take off your pajamas while he takes off his, then you lay back and he kisses your breast or some other familiar combination of actions that lead to orgasm for one or both of you. When you’re both too tired to be creative but want to find comfort together through sexual intimacy is a time that familiar sex routines are helpful.  

A lack of variety can lead to a lack of interest very quickly. I suggest that you bring some playfulness, adventure and intrigue into your sexy life asap! The goal should be to create excitement, passion and curiosity that y’all can enjoy together. 

An easy way to do so is to agree that for a month, you won’t use any of your existing sexy routines. Every time one of you desires sexy fun, you have to instigate it in a new way and use new positions, places, use vibes differently than before, etc. You can also start alternating responsibility for creating sexy date nights. This ensures that each of you is invested in shaking things up by planning unusual experiences, picking out the other’s attire/lingerie, seducing and surprising the other just like people do when they are dating. An important thing to remember is that even if a plan “fails” for whatever reason, laughing together about things gone wrong is a bonding experience that can lead to sexy fun in the future! 

Unexpectedness, play, and adventure are vital components of a fulfilling sexy relationship. And the good news is that they’re easy to create with just a little imagination and effort. So go forth and play, play, play together! 

Cheers to a lifetime of sexy fun ahead of you!