Ask Beth: Nobody Does it Better

Posted by Beth Darling on Apr 29th 2022

Dear Beth, 

I orgasm by myself but haven't ever with a partner, including my current bf. We’ve been together for almost a year, but he’s still upset that he can’t “make me come” and makes me feel guilty about it so it’s ruining our sex life. Short of faking it, I don’t know what else to do. Do you have any advice? 

Kelly, T.

Dear Kelly,
I feel ya! Unfortunately, this is a rather common problem, but it’s also solvable if both of you are willing to commit to changing things together. :-) Plus, the fact that you are already orgasmic puts you a few steps ahead of those women who don’t yet know how to get there at all.
Given that, here’s what I suggest: 
  1. When you self-pleasure, don’t stick to the same routine every time. Instead, use a variety of different touches, sensations, positions, fantasies, pleasure props. This will help your body and mind learn how to reach orgasm from a wide variety of stimulation and situations so that the addition of a partner will simply be one of many new experiences. 
  2. Furthermore, when you self-pleasure, take it slow and focus on your bodily sensations so that you get a good sense of where and how you get aroused most. Instead of experiencing masturbation as a sprint, think of it like a scenic stroll where the goal is to enjoy the journey rather than a race to orgasm. In fact, sometimes tease yourself with pleasure without orgasm. The more comfortable you get with your body and your ability to enjoy sensual pleasure, the more likely it is that you’ll enjoy it more with your partner also. 

Then when you feel confident enough to begin experimenting with your partner, share this with him (if you haven’t already): 

  1. Pressure to orgasm causes performance anxiety for men and women. To avoid this, agree that your shared goal is mutual “sexy fun” and clarify that while orgasms can be one aspect of this, they are not the be all and end all. However, each of you deserves time and attention to ensure intense pleasure and arousal. 
  2. Recognize that the most satisfying sexy fun begins with a strong connection and is fueled by creating anticipation/excitement for what's to come. (wink, wink) Use sexting, teasing, flirting, erotica, kisses, tantalizing touches, romantic settings etc to get in a sexy mindset. The goal is to chase away thoughts other than lustful, erotic desires before anyone starts getting naked! 
  3. Allow him to watch you self-pleasure a few times so he can get a sense of how you bring yourself to orgasm.
  4. Plan some sexy fun times that are focused exclusively on your pleasure, and others on his. This way you won’t feel guilty about taking too much time or delaying his pleasure. During these sessions, commit to telling your partner on a scale of 1-10 how pleasurable things are, and offering suggestions about what might also be pleasurable or improved upon. Agree in advance that these sessions will be 30 minutes regardless of how many orgasms occur or not. Set an alarm so no one is distracted by having to check the time. This will allow both of you the freedom to relax and enjoy each moment rather than feeling obliged to climax in order to “relieve the other person of their obligation”. (Of course, it’s natural that pleasuring you will turn him on and vice versa, so of course, once the timer goes off, the pleasuring party is free to give themselves an orgasm if they’d like. But the pleasured partner is not to participate other than as witness in order to avoid any feeling of obligation or payback. Plus it’s luxurious to be pleasured and then allowed to relax completely.) 
  5. During mutual partner pleasure times, make sure that each of you spends time loving the other thoroughly and intentionally. Even when things are hot and heavy, don’t rush! Focus on the sensory experiences of the whole body, not just the genitals no matter how turned on either of you are. Female orgasm is directly connected to our mindset and the arousal buildup- most of us don’t respond well to being rushed. We do tend to respond well to heaps of attention, affection and teasing with a variety of different types of touches/kisses/strokes all over our bodies. 
  6. 24 hours after mutual pleasure times, debrief with each other. Be generous with appreciation and constructive with ideas for next time. 

These steps have helped hundreds of women learn to experience orgasmic pleasure with their partner in just a few months. I hope that you’ll be one of them!