Ask Beth: No More BMS (Boring Married Sex)!

Posted by Beth Darling on Sep 15th 2021


I’m married to a good man, and after more than ten years together I still love him, but I’m really not that into him sexually anymore. Frankly, I find myself just having sex with him when he asks to keep him happy, but it’s not exciting anymore for either one of us. And we’ve tried date nights, or new vibrators, but nothing really changes. It’s sad, but really, I prefer to just get myself off when he isn’t around. (I don’t tell him that though!) So, seriously, after so long together, is it really possible to have great sex together again? Or should I just stop wanting more from him?

Tired of being disappointed.
Jane R.

Dear Jane,

Oh no- Don’t give up! You have two of the most important ingredients for a passionate relationship: love for your partner and a desire for more intimacy! Woohoo! That makes it easy for me to help you with the rest. :-) To start, recognize that the security and comfort you and your husband have created together for your family and home life is wonderful and meaningful, yet also is the polar opposite of passionate excitement, ironically. The trick, therefore, is to create another “relationship” together which is distinct from your “daily life” as parents/spouses, and fulfills your romantic, sexual desires.

Here are a few tips to get you started:

    - Stop having sex. Seriously. If it’s not SEXY FUN for both of you, don’t do it. Really. Just STOP. Tell your partner you love them so much that you don’t want to settle for BMS (boring married sex). Then brainstorm together about how you can make it more interesting, exciting, adventurous or “crazy” together. Instead of focusing on mere orgasms, use Sexy Fun times to touch each other in new ways or in new places, and try to make each other laugh, blush, giggle and/or beg for more!

    - Touch MORE. Touch INTENTIONALLY. Agree with your partner that touch is not a request (nor an obligation) for “sex”. Rather, it is an affectionate, sometimes sexy or intimate, form of connection that feels great and strengthens the bonds between you. With this freedom, I encourage you to touch, tease, tantalize each other as much as possible. Take every opportunity you can to hold hands, kiss, cup their face, stroke their hair, give a neck massage or even let your hand linger on their thigh while driving and otherwise touch skin to skin any time the opportunity arises. Pay attention to each touch. Let your body feel the physical sensations and allow your heart to absorb the love conveyed. Make a point of acknowledging each touch with eye to eye contact and a smile or wink. Feel free to sigh with delight, purr with appreciation or beg for more. After all, loving touches can cause our body to release oxytocin which calms us and encourages bonding. Also, it’s scientifically proven that hugs and other physical touch can significantly reduce our levels of cortisol which is the stress hormone.

    - Don’t have sex in your own bed for a month. This will make sure that you have to separate sexual intimacy from routine. Start planning for intimacy like you used to have to plan dates. Carve out time to not only have a date night, but also to get dolled up for it and luxuriate after. Spend time in advance talking about it, or teasing each other about surprises planned for it. Again, when your focus is on SEXY FUN- everyone wins. (Important: on your dates leave your parental/spousal relationship out. Refuse to talk about family, money, household chores, or relationship problems during dates. Don’t forget that on dates we are on our best behavior and we are there because we want to connect with the other person. It’s not all about them, but it’s also not all about us either.

    - Take Turns Planning Creative and Adventurous Dates. Forget dinner and a movie unless you’re going somewhere to eat with your hands or you’re gonna be using a remote controlled wearable vibe! Try to outdo the other with a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting each other, practice your flirting and don’t forget to seduce each other in every which way! There is powerful excitement in being wanted, so seduction games are a great way to fuel sexual desire and intimacy.

    - Make Sexy Fun/Intimacy a Priority. Start talking about it as a positive not a negative. Don’t focus on what’s been missing, focus on what’s still to come. (wink!) Look for sexy stuff and share what you think is hot with your partner. Be bold and let him know what some of your fantasies are, even if they are outrageous, not practical or you don’t want them in real life. On the flip side, don’t be afraid to share your fears, insecurities or even any shame you carry. The more you open up, the more intimately connected you’ll feel as long as you both maintain a judgement free safe zone.

I’m confident that with a little time and concerted effort on the above, you’ll find yourself enjoying passionate sexy fun intimacy with your wonderful hubby soon. And once y’all get in the groove of focusing on sexy fun, every new vibrator will just up your game even more!

Happy hugs and happiness to you,

Ps. If you want some help learning how to bring more sexy and sexting into your life as well as my #1 Tip for Talking about Sex, check out my blogs on