Ask Beth: Don't you want me, baby?

Posted by Beth Darling on Mar 25th 2022

Dear Beth Darling,

I love my wife and know that she loves me, but I’m tired of always being the one to initiate sex. Even though she usually agrees when I bring it up and enjoys it when we have sex, it bothers me that she never seems to actually want sex with me. How can I get her to be the one to get things started in the bedroom?

Danny R.

Dear Danny,

I feel your frustration, but want you to know that in most relationships, there is one person who is the “usual” initiator of sexy fun. But, that doesn’t mean that your partner loves or wants you less than you do them.

What it likely means is that your sexual desire is more “spontaneous”, whereas hers is likely more “responsive”.

Simply put, probably your body gets turned on quickly by any number of factors and then you look to your wife to satisfy your erotic desires. But, your wife probably doesn’t get spontaneously sexually aroused, instead it’s likely that it’s your desire for her that gets her turned on. This would explain why she doesn’t initiate things but enjoys them when you do.

Put it this way, it’s like you’re a self-lighting match and she’s kindling waiting for you to bring the flame.

If you think of it this way, you’re a perfect team. Now, you can enjoy knowing that she’s a willing and exciting partner, while also having a great time teasing her with your power (to turn her on). You can know that she wants, needs, and relies on you to light her up.

I hope this motivates you to nurture the flames of desire- and that she always provides the makings of a bonfire. Sounds like a perfect win/win for both of you!

Hot hugs and love to y’all,