Ask Beth: Breakup Sex???

Posted by Beth Darling on Jun 7th 2022

After 8 years together, my girlfriend and I split up a few months ago. We weren’t having big fights or anything, we just were constantly irritated with each other and bickering daily. Our sex life was pretty much nonexistent, and even when we did have sex it was just ok. We split up because we wanted to be able to stay friends instead of waiting till we hated each other. 

But what’s weird is that as soon as she moved out, not only did we start getting along better, we also started having the best sex we’ve ever had. 

We’re both really confused and need some advice on what to do. Things are great now-neither of us really wants to date other people, but we’re afraid to move in together again. Her parents and friends are giving her a hard time about us though because they think I’m “wasting her time” if I don’t want to get married after all these years. 

Any advice? 


Dear Joe,

I can understand why you’re confused, but you aren’t the only ones this happens to.

My guess is that while y’all were busy focusing on living together, the excitement, passion and romance between you dissipated as feelings of comfort, familiarity and security increased. Now that you’re apart and, in effect, dating again, neither of you can take your relationship for granted. Thus, “uncertainty” has reignited the urgency and thrill for both of you.

As for what you do now, though... Well, that’s not an easy answer.

Perhaps this break has been enough to remind y’all why you love each other and why you got together in the first place. But, appreciating each other isn't enough. Any more than loving each other is.

If you want to maintain a lasting, rewarding relationship- you're both going to have to go out of your way to foster passionate, romantic intimacy consistently in the future. Otherwise, it’s likely that it will fade away yet again once you live together.

The reality of modern romantic relationships is that the “ideal” is typically a balancing act between keeping passionate excitement alive at the same time as we “settle down” together.

Frankly, I know couples in long term relationships who swear that their love flourishes because they don’t live together- so perhaps that should be a consideration for y’all.

On the other hand, if your preference is to live together again, I suggest that you create a romantic plan before you do so. This plan can include date nights, vacation plans, sexy fun adventures, and annual reviews, etc. By committing to such, you'll help ensure that the romantic, sexy aspects of your relationship won’t be overlooked despite the practical issues of life.