Ask Beth: Any Which Way But Down

Posted by Beth Darling on Nov 18th 2021

Dear Beth Darling,

I’ve been dating this really cool woman for almost 6 months now, and she’s great and we have good sex but she won’t let me go down on her even though I really want to. I’ve told her that I really like doing it and I think I can make her feel really good, but she still says she’s never liked it before and doesn’t want to even try it with me. How can I get her to change her mind and give me a chance?

Thanks, Mark

Oh, Mark

Sadly this isn’t unusual, yet I know that doesn’t make it less frustrating. Unfortunately, without knowing why she isn’t interested, I can’t help you address the issue specifically. However, here are a few of the issues I hear most often:

  1. Many women think their genitals are misshapen, ugly, even deformed because they don’t look like what is shown in porn. (Very few women have seen other naked women up close in real life.) This can cause great insecurity, shame and embarrassment which results in an unwillingness to be openly exposed during oral sex.
  2. Some women are afraid of losing control while receiving oral pleasure. They might worry that they’ll enjoy it so much that they’ll make weird faces or “unladylike” noises such as groans, queefs or farts. Others fear squirting, peeing or bucking wildly.
  3. Another frequent concern for women is that “it will take too long” for them to reach orgasm and they’ll feel guilty for “making” you stay down there too long. They’d rather skip it altogether than feel like they are difficult, complicated or take too much work.

While there isn’t a quick fix for any of the above, perhaps you can try to help alleviate her concerns by:

  1. Sincerely express your appreciation, fondness and desire for her body and specifically her pussy. You can tell her why her pussy is beautiful and pleasurable and that you like looking, feeling and touching it. You can find “amateur porn” that includes non-surgically altered female bodies as examples of how different every woman is.
  2. Describe to her how you’d feel while giving her oral pleasure and how you’d enjoy it if she lost control due to your skills as a lover.
  3. Assure her that you’d enjoy spending 20-30 minutes “down there” and promise that if you get bored, you’ll find another way to satisfy her rather than martyr yourself. Then stick to that promise so she always trusts you.

No matter what’s blocking her, frank conversations will help establish trust and encourage her to address the issue for her sake as well as yours. I also invite you both to watch my online video class “The Art of Orally Pleasing Her” at While there is a lot in there for you in terms of technique, half of the focus is on helping women, like your GF, gain the comfort and confidence they need in order to enjoy receiving this intimate pleasure.

I hope that all of this helps! Please let me know how things go- I’m rooting for you!