Dear Beth,
I’m recently divorced after 8 years together. I’m dating a new guy who is really great! It’s only been a few weeks, but the chemistry is intense and I’m falling hard.
The thing is, my friends keep trying to tell me to slow down because it’s lust, not love. So my question is, how can I tell?
What’s the difference between love and lust?
Does it matter?
Trying to Figure it Out
Dear Trying,
Ohhhhh! Lucky you! Both love and lust are so deeply exciting and compelling! Sound like you are having a fabulous time!
I’m impressed that you’re not just getting carried away and losing all rational perspective. Sexy new relationships can be quite addictive and even the smartest people can get swept up in the thrill and make rash decisions that seem brilliant in the moment. And, may find difficulties further down the road when the sexy goggles come off.
So, I’m glad to help you sort through what’s going on. Take a look at your relationship with this man through the lens of the 5 Kinds of Intimacy. (Physical, Emotional, Sexual, Romantic and Spiritual)
Lust tends to exist almost entirely in the arena of sexual intimacy. It’s exciting, it’s powerful, and it can make two people feel like they’ve been dropped into a highly erotic novel where it’s hard for the couple to keep their clothes on.
Even the romantic experiences are geared toward creating hot AF, sexy fun. The connection between them is real, but when the orgasms are over, there isn’t much else to the relationship.
The sexual arousal, the heat, the chase, and the physical pleasure are the driving forces in lust. Relationships based primarily on lust tend to burn out, because familiarity diminishes the excitement and there’s not much else to fuel it.
When it comes to love, defining it is virtually impossible because it can show up in so many different ways. However, when it comes to dating, I think the best question to ask yourself is whether this connection with him is as fulfilling out of the proverbial bedroom as it is within.
In other words, when the orgasmic bliss ebbs, what else is there between you? Do you each seek to share other kinds of intimacy together? Because happy, healthy long term relationships are built upon foundations that include all five intimacy types. So notice whether y’all are naturally seeking connection outside your sexy fun.
Emotional intimacy often shows up in the desire to talk, to share stories, for each of you to want to learn about each other and to show them who you are deep down. Do you stay on the phone or in bed just talking about things other than sexy stuff?
Do you exchange stories about growing up? Dreams? Fears?
Do you feel supported and encouraged by each other in stressful times?
Physical intimacy (the non-sexual kind) could be hand-holding, cuddling, brushing against you in the kitchen. Those affectionate, sweet, reaffirming touches that aren’t about getting you into bed. Rather they are simple reminders of your importance to each other.
Romantic intimacy is about making your time together meaningful, special, not simply sexy.
And lastly, spiritual intimacy shows up in that deeper sense of “we are good together” and the world is better for everyone when we are together. Even if neither of you can explain why.
If the focus stays locked on sex and nothing else seems to grow, you’re probably in a lust-based connection. Fun? YES! Sustainable as a long term relationship? Ehhh… not usually. If you see genuine effort to build emotional, physical, romantic, and spiritual intimacy alongside the sexual spark, that’s the path love tends to take.
All that to say, before you judge the relationship, check in with yourself. What do you want? Are you craving all five forms of intimacy, or are you happily riding the wave of sexual chemistry? There’s no wrong answer. The key is making sure you are getting what you want.
Big hugs and hopes,
Beth