Ask Beth

No More BMS
(Boring Married Sex)!

Beth,

I’m married to a good man, and after more than ten years together I still love him, but I’m really not that into him sexually anymore. Frankly, I find myself just having sex with him when he asks to keep him happy, but it’s not exciting anymore for either one of us. And we’ve tried date nights, or new vibrators, but nothing really changes. It’s sad, but really, I prefer to just get myself off when he isn’t around. (I don’t tell him that though!) So, seriously, after so long together, is it really possible to have great sex together again? Or should I just stop wanting more from him?

Tired of being disappointed.
Jane R.


Dear Jane,

Oh no- Don’t give up! You have two of the most important ingredients for a passionate relationship: love for your partner and a desire for more intimacy! Woohoo! That makes it easy for me to help you with the rest. :-) To start, recognize that the security and comfort you and your husband have created together for your family and home life is wonderful and meaningful, yet also is the polar opposite of passionate excitement, ironically. The trick, therefore, is to create another “relationship” together which is distinct from your “daily life” as parents/spouses, and fulfills your romantic, sexual desires.

Here are a few tips to get you started:
  1. Stop having sex. Seriously. If it’s not SEXY FUN for both of you, don’t do it. Really. Just STOP. Tell your partner you love them so much that you don’t want to settle for BMS (boring married sex). Then brainstorm together about how you can make it more interesting, exciting, adventurous or “crazy” together. Instead of focusing on mere orgasms, use Sexy Fun times to touch each other in new ways or in new places, and try to make each other laugh, blush, giggle and/or beg for more!
  2. Touch MORE. Touch INTENTIONALLY. Agree with your partner that touch is not a request (nor an obligation) for “sex”. Rather, it is an affectionate, sometimes sexy or intimate, form of connection that feels great and strengthens the bonds between you. With this freedom, I encourage you to touch, tease, tantalize each other as much as possible. Take every opportunity you can to hold hands, kiss, cup their face, stroke their hair, give a neck massage or even let your hand linger on their thigh while driving and otherwise touch skin to skin any time the opportunity arises. Pay attention to each touch. Let your body feel the physical sensations and allow your heart to absorb the love conveyed. Make a point of acknowledging each touch with eye to eye contact and a smile or wink. Feel free to sigh with delight, purr with appreciation or beg for more. After all, loving touches can cause our body to release oxytocin which calms us and encourages bonding. Also, it’s scientifically proven that hugs and other physical touch can significantly reduce our levels of cortisol which is the stress hormone.
  3. Don’t have sex in your own bed for a month. This will make sure that you have to separate sexual intimacy from routine. Start planning for intimacy like you used to have to plan dates. Carve out time to not only have a date night, but also to get dolled up for it and luxuriate after. Spend time in advance talking about it, or teasing each other about surprises planned for it. Again, when your focus is on SEXY FUN- everyone wins. (Important: on your dates leave your parental/spousal relationship out. Refuse to talk about family, money, household chores, or relationship problems during dates. Don’t forget that on dates we are on our best behavior and we are there because we want to connect with the other person. It’s not all about them, but it’s also not all about us either.
  4. Take Turns Planning Creative and Adventurous Dates. Forget dinner and a movie unless you’re going somewhere to eat with your hands or you’re gonna be using a remote controlled wearable vibe! Try to outdo the other with a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting each other, practice your flirting and don’t forget to seduce each other in every which way! There is powerful excitement in being wanted, so seduction games are a great way to fuel sexual desire and intimacy.
  5. Make Sexy Fun/Intimacy a Priority. Start talking about it as a positive not a negative. Don’t focus on what’s been missing, focus on what’s still to come. (wink!) Look for sexy stuff and share what you think is hot with your partner. Be bold and let him know what some of your fantasies are, even if they are outrageous, not practical or you don’t want them in real life. On the flip side, don’t be afraid to share your fears, insecurities or even any shame you carry. The more you open up, the more intimately connected you’ll feel as long as you both maintain a judgement free safe zone.

I’m confident that with a little time and concerted effort on the above, you’ll find yourself enjoying passionate sexy fun intimacy with your wonderful hubby soon. And once y’all get in the groove of focusing on sexy fun, every new vibrator will just up your game even more!

Happy hugs and happiness to you,
Beth

Ps. If you want some help learning how to bring more sexy and sexting into your life as well as my #1 Tip for Talking about Sex, check out my blogs on SexyEdSchool.com.

Why are all the sex toys for women??

Beth,

Why are all the sex toys for women?? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a married man and happy to buy more vibrators for my wife. We've got more than a few and it’s fun to use them on her. But every once in a while it would be nice to be surprised by her getting something cool to use on me.

Harry S.


Dear Harry,

I get it, it’s easy to get lost in the realm of vibrators for women and not realize how vast the opportunities are these days for male pleasure props.

But I happen to love being a tour guide, and am thrilled to introduce you to some exciting options that are sure to elevate your pleasure to new heights! (Note: Never limit your creativity when it comes to enjoying sexp props. Feel free to enjoy them during solo or partner pleasure as you desire.

Here are a few of what I consider the starters for any man’s “sexy prop closet”:

  • Male masturbators/strokers- Fleshlights were the first to recognize that self pleasure for men shouldn’t have to be limited to their own hand. Now you can find a wide assortment of stroking sensations in all shapes, sizes and prices. Some are powered by a hand (yours or a partner’s), others provide vibrations/suction from a rechargeable battery. Like vibrators, you shouldn’t be limited to only one- each provides different sensations and pleasure and monogamy is never required by a sexy prop!
  • Cock rings- Made from rubber, silicone, leather or metal, a cock ring is a simple but effective way to enhance your hardness by restricting the flow of blood from your erection. (Learn more from my YouTube video, “Why you might want to put a C*** Ring on It”, https://youtu.be/IZ-n_Q7FNuY) If you want to give her some extra good vibes, you can get one with an attached mini vibrator designed to engage her clit during vaginal penetration. You can also uplevel with a remote (or even app!) controlled cock ring that you can wear out for an erotic game of “don’t let anyone notice!”.
  • Prostate Massagers- Not only do these offer hands free pleasure, but they also help keep your prostate in good health. In fact the leading manufacturer of high quality prostate massagers, and my personal faves, Aneros, are patented as medical devices. :-) You can enjoy a prostate massager on its own or in combination with other stimulation such as a hand or blow job, or even while penetrating your partner.
  • Sensory Stimulators- Think fur teasers, feather ticklers, floggers, pinwheels, blindfolds, flavored/scented lubes and oils... the list is endless! And provides an abundance of sexy, exciting arousal for all involved.
  • Power Play Props- It’s sexy game-on when one of you is restrained! You don’t have to dive into the deep end of bdsm (unless you want to, of course) but a sex swing, cool collar, handcuffs, bondage tape, nipple clamps, corrective crops, paddles, etc can infuse even very traditional lovemaking sessions into a highly erotic experience.
  • Pegging - Take a chance by creating some non-traditional pleasure and fun together! There's a good reason that this kind of sexy fun is becoming more and more popular- it feels good! You’ll need a good harness, great lube and a small dildo-- after that, it’s all up to you. :-) (Learn more from my YouTube video, “It’s Pegging, not Peggy, lol.” https://youtu.be/uRD50ekmk5Q )

I could go on all day about each of the above, but hopefully it’s enough to get you started, lol.

I suggest you show this to your wife, give her your thoughts and invite her to “wow” you anytime! I think she’ll be pleased to know exactly how to turn you on in all sorts of new ways. Of course, let me know how things go or if you have any further questions. I’m rooting for you!

With so many giggles and grins,
Beth

A Few Tips for the Fallatiophobic

Beth,

I'm 35 y/o but have an irrational fear of blow jobs. I can't really explain it, only given maybe 5 to my ex-husband. (6 years) In the last two years since my divorce, I've tried to give a few but had some not so good experiences. I want to know how to overcome my 'fear' of blow jobs because I'm dating someone new and I know he wants them. He's not pressuring me, it's something I want to do for him, but I don't know how to without being stressed about it. How do I get over this?

Lucy M.


Lucy,

Hooray for your determination to give and receive better love! I feel so much for your past struggles but am so confident that you're well on your way to goodness now, even if the journey isn't as easy as you deserve.

As for blow jobs, here’s my first rule:

Don’t Fake a Blow Job! (Or an orgasm, but that’s a topic for another day!)

In other words, never give a blow job if you don’t want to.

In fact, do you know that only 28% of women actually enjoy giving them? Isn't that sad? Cuz we all know that about 95% of men enjoy receiving head, lol. Needless to say, there are a lot of very sad men.

But, your guy is one of the lucky ones because you're willing to learn to enjoy orally pleasuring him, woohoo! Clearly, you’re my kind of woman, lol, and I can totally help you cuz teaching blow jobs is one of the things that I do best.

And when you learn how, not only are you gonna enjoy every time you go down on him, but he’s gonna think you're the best thing since Sunday football! (As a side effect, you’ll also get more comfortable receiving and expecting pleasure from him- Yay!)

Alright, are you ready for a quickie? Blow Job lesson that is.

  1. Spend a few minutes every day with your eyes closed thinking about how much you love him and enjoy kissing him. Then imagine yourself just showering him with kisses all the way down his body.
  2. Let yourself feel each kiss an expression of your love and your desire to savor his deliciousness. Just like with your favorite treat, you linger, allowing your tongue to lick the goodness off your lips, and breathe in the scent that is uniquely him.
  3. Don’t force yourself to kiss his “manhood”, only do so if you are feeling tenderness for it as you do towards the rest of his body. You can imagine it hard or soft, whichever you prefer. You kiss all around it, or just kiss his shaft, or just give it a quick peck, or whatever feels good to you. After all, you are in complete control and this is all about your desire to love him in ways that thrill YOU.
  4. If at any point during this daydream you feel uncomfortable, stop! Allow yourself the freedom to only do what is delightful to YOU.
  5. When imagining kissing his whole body is so appealing to you that you can’t wait to actually do so… well, go ahead!
  6. Ask him to get naked (perhaps shower) and remain in place without talking or moving or touching you or expecting anything particular. Let him know in advance that this isn’t about “sex”, this is about you appreciaiting him and his body and you just want to “explore” for a bit. In fact, tell him that when you are done, you’re going to need 15-30 minutes alone just to process things and to remind yourself that you are in control. (And to remind both of you that you can touch/kiss him without obligation!)
  7. You can be dressed or not as you like when you begin kissing him. Think of yourself as an intrepid explorer, the terrain is open to you and it’s totally up to you where you go, how long you spend and when the journey ends. No obligation whatsoever except to your own pleasure.
  8. When you are done, thank him for allowing you to love him and retreat to a place to celebrate your courage, your love and the physical pleasures of bodies connecting so intimately.
  9. Repeat this as often as you want- I know he will be happy to “serve”!
  10. If at any time you feel the urge to use open mouth kisses and take some or all of his soft or hard penis (I find c*ck a sexier term, so feel free to use whatever affectionate nickname you want) in your mouth, then feel free. But again, if it’s not fun for you, don’t. And only keep it in as long as it feels good. Whether that’s three seconds or three minutes or more… It’s all up to you and your desires.

When you do this exercise a few times, you’ll realize that being a great lover is all about getting past the mental roadblocks in order to allow your body to express what’s in your heart. That’s when you are able to intimately use your body joyfully and generously, creating passion. In short, giving great head is impossible unless you get your head just as happily involved as his.

Have tons of fun loving lots! I can’t wait to hear how things go… I’m rooting for you!

Huge Hugs and Love,
Beth

Ps. If you want a more in-depth lesson, you should check out my online/ondemand video class “How To Blow His Mind While Loving His Body” at SexyEdSchool.com. You can even get $50 off with the Promo Code “SARASSECRETJULY” at https://www.sexyedschool.com/
(Of course, I’m all about equal opportunity pleasure, lol, so there’s also “The Art of Orally Pleasuring Her”!)

How to ask
"Are you clean?"

Hi Beth,

I hope this is appropriate subject matter but didn't know who else to ask. Up until a year ago, I was in a long term monogamous relationship, and after being celibate since then, I recently had a one night stand with an acquaintance. Our "protection" failed so I got her Plan B, but now I'm kinda freaking out about STDs.

I know it can take several more weeks before all the tests will be really accurate, so I was hoping you could help me figure out a "polite" way to ask her if she's "clean"? I don't want to insult her, but really would like some input from her to help me calm down until I get tested. Thanks for any advice.

Dan S.


Dear Dan,

Yes! Anything related to love, sex and relationships is appropriate subject matter here. :-)

I feel for ya, my friend. I think most of us have had “Ooops!” and they are usually not fun. So I actually appreciate the chance to address this topic for all our sakes.

I tend to take a pretty direct approach, especially when we’re feeling awkward no matter what. So I’d suggest you say something along the lines of:

(If you’ve been tested before) “Hey, since we had that mishap I thought it only right to let you know that my last testing was ____, the results were ____, and I plan to get tested again on ________ and of course will let you know the results asap. What about you?”

- Or -

(If you haven't been tested for whatever reason) "“Hey, since we had that mishap I thought it only right to let you know that it's been a while since I've been tested but I'm planning to go on ____ and of course will let you know the results asap. How about you?")

I hope this helps and that all turns out well for you, Dan. I'll be wishing you good health and happiness moving forward.

Cheers to staying safe while being sexy,

xoxo,
Beth