Ask Beth

A Few Tips for the Fallatiophobic


I'm 35 y/o but have an irrational fear of blow jobs. I can't really explain it, only given maybe 5 to my ex-husband. (6 years) In the last two years since my divorce, I've tried to give a few but had some not so good experiences. I want to know how to overcome my 'fear' of blow jobs because I'm dating someone new and I know he wants them. He's not pressuring me, it's something I want to do for him, but I don't know how to without being stressed about it. How do I get over this?

Lucy M.


Hooray for your determination to give and receive better love! I feel so much for your past struggles but am so confident that you're well on your way to goodness now, even if the journey isn't as easy as you deserve.

As for blow jobs, here’s my first rule:

Don’t Fake a Blow Job! (Or an orgasm, but that’s a topic for another day!)

In other words, never give a blow job if you don’t want to.

In fact, do you know that only 28% of women actually enjoy giving them? Isn't that sad? Cuz we all know that about 95% of men enjoy receiving head, lol. Needless to say, there are a lot of very sad men.

But, your guy is one of the lucky ones because you're willing to learn to enjoy orally pleasuring him, woohoo! Clearly, you’re my kind of woman, lol, and I can totally help you cuz teaching blow jobs is one of the things that I do best.

And when you learn how, not only are you gonna enjoy every time you go down on him, but he’s gonna think you're the best thing since Sunday football! (As a side effect, you’ll also get more comfortable receiving and expecting pleasure from him- Yay!)

Alright, are you ready for a quickie? Blow Job lesson that is.

  1. Spend a few minutes every day with your eyes closed thinking about how much you love him and enjoy kissing him. Then imagine yourself just showering him with kisses all the way down his body.
  2. Let yourself feel each kiss an expression of your love and your desire to savor his deliciousness. Just like with your favorite treat, you linger, allowing your tongue to lick the goodness off your lips, and breathe in the scent that is uniquely him.
  3. Don’t force yourself to kiss his “manhood”, only do so if you are feeling tenderness for it as you do towards the rest of his body. You can imagine it hard or soft, whichever you prefer. You kiss all around it, or just kiss his shaft, or just give it a quick peck, or whatever feels good to you. After all, you are in complete control and this is all about your desire to love him in ways that thrill YOU.
  4. If at any point during this daydream you feel uncomfortable, stop! Allow yourself the freedom to only do what is delightful to YOU.
  5. When imagining kissing his whole body is so appealing to you that you can’t wait to actually do so… well, go ahead!
  6. Ask him to get naked (perhaps shower) and remain in place without talking or moving or touching you or expecting anything particular. Let him know in advance that this isn’t about “sex”, this is about you appreciaiting him and his body and you just want to “explore” for a bit. In fact, tell him that when you are done, you’re going to need 15-30 minutes alone just to process things and to remind yourself that you are in control. (And to remind both of you that you can touch/kiss him without obligation!)
  7. You can be dressed or not as you like when you begin kissing him. Think of yourself as an intrepid explorer, the terrain is open to you and it’s totally up to you where you go, how long you spend and when the journey ends. No obligation whatsoever except to your own pleasure.
  8. When you are done, thank him for allowing you to love him and retreat to a place to celebrate your courage, your love and the physical pleasures of bodies connecting so intimately.
  9. Repeat this as often as you want- I know he will be happy to “serve”!
  10. If at any time you feel the urge to use open mouth kisses and take some or all of his soft or hard penis (I find c*ck a sexier term, so feel free to use whatever affectionate nickname you want) in your mouth, then feel free. But again, if it’s not fun for you, don’t. And only keep it in as long as it feels good. Whether that’s three seconds or three minutes or more… It’s all up to you and your desires.

When you do this exercise a few times, you’ll realize that being a great lover is all about getting past the mental roadblocks in order to allow your body to express what’s in your heart. That’s when you are able to intimately use your body joyfully and generously, creating passion. In short, giving great head is impossible unless you get your head just as happily involved as his.

Have tons of fun loving lots! I can’t wait to hear how things go… I’m rooting for you!

Huge Hugs and Love,

Ps. If you want a more in-depth lesson, you should check out my online/ondemand video class “How To Blow His Mind While Loving His Body” at You can even get $50 off with the Promo Code “SARASSECRETJULY” at
(Of course, I’m all about equal opportunity pleasure, lol, so there’s also “The Art of Orally Pleasuring Her”!)

How to ask
"Are you clean?"

Hi Beth,

I hope this is appropriate subject matter but didn't know who else to ask. Up until a year ago, I was in a long term monogamous relationship, and after being celibate since then, I recently had a one night stand with an acquaintance. Our "protection" failed so I got her Plan B, but now I'm kinda freaking out about STDs.

I know it can take several more weeks before all the tests will be really accurate, so I was hoping you could help me figure out a "polite" way to ask her if she's "clean"? I don't want to insult her, but really would like some input from her to help me calm down until I get tested. Thanks for any advice.

Dan S.

Dear Dan,

Yes! Anything related to love, sex and relationships is appropriate subject matter here. :-)

I feel for ya, my friend. I think most of us have had “Ooops!” and they are usually not fun. So I actually appreciate the chance to address this topic for all our sakes.

I tend to take a pretty direct approach, especially when we’re feeling awkward no matter what. So I’d suggest you say something along the lines of:

(If you’ve been tested before) “Hey, since we had that mishap I thought it only right to let you know that my last testing was ____, the results were ____, and I plan to get tested again on ________ and of course will let you know the results asap. What about you?”

- Or -

(If you haven't been tested for whatever reason) "“Hey, since we had that mishap I thought it only right to let you know that it's been a while since I've been tested but I'm planning to go on ____ and of course will let you know the results asap. How about you?")

I hope this helps and that all turns out well for you, Dan. I'll be wishing you good health and happiness moving forward.

Cheers to staying safe while being sexy,